Quotes by Zach Braff

Facebook Twitter Google Digg Reddit LinkedIn Pinterest StumbleUpon Email

I said, I'm on this TV show and I love doing it, but I don't want to be known always as the silly "Scrubs" guy... So part of me was like, You know what? Life's short. Let's go for it. more...

I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind. more...

I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives. more...

As a kid who wasn't into sports, at school I felt almost alienated at times, whereas in the theatre community there was this amazing sense of camaraderie. Early on, we would go to rehearsals with my dad and I was like the mascot for the backstage crew. That was a big part of my childhood, so I dreamed of one day doing a play in London. more...

I am really driven, but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities. more...

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers. more...

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals. more...

Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with. more...

When we shoot 'Scrubs' I spend every waking hour of my life in an abandoned and haunted hospital. All I can date there are ghosts and they tend to be horrible snugglers. more...

I really like just super dry comedy. more...

I think a lot of people are drawn to seeing people that want to be better. We see it in ourselves. more...

My mother's a psychologist, my stepfather's a psychologist, my stepmother is a therapist and my dad's a lawyer. So it was all prominent in my life. I don't know anyone who doesn't know someone on some form of prescription medicine. more...

I think in a play it's wise to just sit back and watch other actors and be able to shape it from the audience. more...

I'm sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it's all going according to plan and some weeks where you're super frustrated. more...

I am really driven, but my drive doesn't affect the conversations I have in my head about life, and worries and fears and insecurities. more...

Ever since I was little it was programmed into me that London is where great theatre occurs and all the big shows you love start there. more...

I had a very funny family. more...

The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters. more...

I came when I was in high school as part of a student exchange program with the Jewish Community Center in New Jersey, to Ramat Eliyahu. You come and volunteer for five weeks at a day camp. I was a teenager - I couldn't really appreciate it as much, and now I come back as an adult and I can really get the flavor of the city, and I love it. more...

Everyone has a warped vision of Hollywood and what success in Hollywood is like. more...

I procrastinate so much and I get distracted by anything. more...

I'm putting myself out there in a way I don't know if I ever have before. more...

In theater or movies you see either 'I'm religious' or 'I'm an atheist.' I've never seen too much discussion of 'I believe there's a higher power but I'm hesitant to reach out to him because I don't know if I'm worthy of his attention.' more...

I went to film school and wanted to learn everything there was about making movies. more...

The success of 'Scrubs' allowed me to pursue anything I felt passionately about without having to worry about money. It allowed me to spend my summer work shopping my show at a nonprofit theater. more...

I had no interest in sports so I didn't make friends in that traditional way where kids are in public school and they go and they join clubs, and play sports. So I kind of had to find my own way to make friends and get attention and so I just was the class clown. more...

I love music and I love musicians and when I hear something that's great, I always say it's like you go to a movie and you can't wait to tell your friends about it. more...

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar. more...

I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because... share the wealth. more...

Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven. more...

I don't care about image and all that nonsense. I'm in sweat pants every day. I don't play the game at all. more...

I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium. more...

I have no desire to make money off musicians. I just want to promote them because I want to share music. more...

I know every politician spins the truth a little. more...

I love 'Scrubs.' It's the best day job in the world. more...

I think I suffer from some mild depression. more...

I want to take piano lessons, I want to study at university, I want to travel, I want to do other parts, make another movie. more...

I'm hanging out with my New York friends, my Jersey boys, my family and loving every single second of it. more...

That image is a couple different people's homes that I knew growing up. more...

Actually when I gave out the script, I gave it with a CD of all the music I wanted to put in the movie, and again, we never thought we'd get all that music. more...

I didn't necessarily have a total idea when I was writing the movie of where everything was going. I just wanted to have really realistic dialogue and write like people I knew talked. I tried to keep it very real. more...

I said, I'm on this TV show and I love doing it, but I don't want to be known always as the silly 'Scrubs' guy... So part of me was like, You know what? Life's short. Let's go for it. more...

I think I felt compelled in a way because if I hadn't written the part, I never would have been offered the part. There are at least 10 guys who would have been offered the part before me. more...

I'd always fantasized about writing a new play. Even when I had all this success in television, what I was daydreaming about in my dressing room is that one day I would do it. more...

I'm a person who likes these sort of movies... sad but moving 'art movies' that normally are at a festival and then they go to a small art house theater and disappear. more...

In fifth grade, we had to write a story and read it in front of the class. When I read mine out, the class were just belly laughing. And I remember being like, 'This is the coolest!' So I want to dedicate my life to trying to make people laugh. I can't imagine doing anything else. more...

It used to be that you came out of school, and you got married - those who were going to get married. But my peers are getting married in their early 30s, so now there's like this extra 10 years of that angst. more...

They put all this money into these huge films and then no one goes to see them. That sort of shows they're out of touch. Then everyone in town passes on my little movie and it does really well. more...

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading. more...

Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I'm gonna throw. more...

In theater or movies you see either 'I'm religious' or 'I'm an atheist.' I've never seen too much discussion of 'I believe there's a higher power but I'm hesitant to reach out to him because I don't know if I'm worthy of his attention. more...

I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth. more...

Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place. more...

Im just not really attracted to black chicks. more...

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people. more...

Is 'Garden State' the next 'Citizen Kane'? Of course not. I'd like to think we aimed a little higher than that, frankly. more...

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me. more...

People have called me fake, but personally, I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere. more...

I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra. more...

I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do more...

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it. more...

Yea, I've got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle. more...

A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there. more...

First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms. more...

A kid came up to me the other day and said, 'Hey, you're the guy on Scrubs!' Kid, I am Scrubs, and don't you forget it. more...

Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined. more...

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me. more...

If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew. more...

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke. more...

Hitler was about population control. more...

I remember once I went to go see a movie, and in front of me in line there was a little boy who looked so eager to see it, like it was Christmas morning. When he got to the ticket booth it turned out there was only one ticket left; the manager was there and wanted to give it to me instead since I was famous. That's when I knew I'd hit it big. more...

I wouldn't say I'm bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I'd say probably, yeah, but as far as I know, the bible is never clear on this. more...

It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know. more...

I mean, I'm a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man? more...

I think slavery was an awful, awful period in our history, but when I look at what's become of black culture since emancipation, I think you have to admit, maybe the Confederacy was on to something more...

If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises. more...

For me, acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them, but what else can I do, you know? more...

I never go looking for child pornography, but I mean, if somebody sends me an email with some pictures, I'm not going to turn around and report them. more...

I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves. more...

That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction. more...

My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients. more...

I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport. more...

You always see actors complaining about being typecast and ruining their career. Really, I don't see the point in complaining. If the only role you can play well is a black dude, you're never going to get ahead in this town, and you should just accept it. more...

You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation. more...

Well, I've thought about donating, but they get so many damn donations already. I read about one foundation that raised over 100 million dollars. Well where the hell did that go? For all I know every starving child has a 2 story house by now. Or maybe they're all raging alcoholics, like homeless people. Homeless people who are more effective when it comes to raising money. Who wants to support alcoholic children? Not me. more...

Oh I love children, but I could never eat a whole one. more...

I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don't break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself. more...

I don't think that other races are inferior, I just think that there's something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, 'Yeah, I'm glad I'm on that team.' more...

The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire. more...

I feel really bad for everyone who died on 9/11. Not just the people in the World Trade Center, Pentagon, or Flight 93, but all of the terrorists, too. 'Garden State' came out in 2004. That means none of them got a chance to see it. Let that sink in for a second. No wonder they're building a memorial. more...

The thing about all these charities is that who sees where the money goes? I don't and you don't. For all I know, the president of Make a Wish just used all the money to buy himself a mansion and a yacht. That's why I keep all of my money for myself, at least then I know I'm doing good for at least one person for sure. more...

Am I really gonna deny someone the opportunity of a lifetime just because they met me 5 easters early? more...

Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually. more...

I'm pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I've never seen it. Have you? I didn't think so. more...

I like to drop in on people who picked on me in high school or whatever, just out of the blue, and chat with them to see how they think of me now that I'm a big star. Usually they're a lot nicer. After about half an hour, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and leave a few DVDs or pictures there. Then when I come out, I say good-bye and leave. Then I call the cops. more...

I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fudge her, then you already know she's a liar. So what the hell's the point of a trial, y'know? more...

I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim? more...

Working on 'Scrubs' made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of just playing one, I could probably have found a cure to cancer within five years. more...

I mean, I understand that because they're disadvantaged that they deserve their own parking spots, but do they have to make them so wide? I never understood how these people were allowed to drive cars but they get these really neat chairs with wheels and they're still not happy, so instead of parking their wheelchairs in the designated spots, they upstage us normal people and get the best parking spots with vehicles that are clearly too sophisticated for them to be handling. Still, you should smile at a cripple, because it's the only bit of happiness they'll ever have. more...

Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers. more...

Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society. more...

I think a big part of being a success is confidence. Just look at me, I know I'm successful, and I am. more...

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them. more...

I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It's a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom. more...

Don't get me started on cold toilet seats. more...

Whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children's hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know? more...

It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It's like denying the cure for polio or something. more...

You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors. more...

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans. more...

Dude, writing, acting and directing are such easy jobs. But to do them all as awesomely as Zach Braff does, well that... that's something. more...

So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person. more...

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me. more...

Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam. more...

Yeah i thought about making the character of JD gay... But then i thought, but what about all the poor girls dreams you'll be crushing more...

I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I'm successful more...

I lot of people remember when that kid spray-painted my brand new Porsche for Punk'd. That was pretty funny. He got me pretty good. Of course, most people don't know I eventually got him back with my own show. I call it a show, really it's just an hour-long video shot in my bedroom featuring the two of us. more...

I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie? more...

I like to think of myself as the Chris Benoit of the movie industry, capable of taking any picture and carrying it to box-office success. Take Garden State, without me that would have just been two hours of Portman doging. more...

I mean, I understand that Scrubs was my big break, but sooner or later you have to move on. I've already directed a movie, which received very good reviews, so it just seems much more important to me now. I feel that in order to better foster my creativity as an actor and director at this point, I need to be surrounded by other talented, artistic individuals, instead of just goofy comedians. more...

Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me more...

If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once. more...

I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what, maybe 1.50 a gallon? more...

I don't belive Oprah's sexual abuse stories, I mean who would take a black girl when there are plenty of white? more...

I'm not gay, but I'm still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later. more...

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion. more...

It's always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone's looking to me for guidance. more...

I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets. more...

Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts? more...

I mean, what's eleven million people now days? more...

Of course killing people is 'wrong', but I think history shows that sometimes it serves the greater good. more...

I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning. more...

Yeah i saw An Inconvenient Truth, and i dont want to say it was preachy but let's not kid ourselves, i've got far more important work to do more...

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write. more...

I've turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don't want AIDs, don't be a ice cream man. Or African. I'm neither and I'm fine. more...

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses. more...

You know, I've occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best. more...

Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities. more...

It really is fascinating stuff, and I've picked it up on Scrubs. Memorizing lines is at least as hard as studying a text book, I mean, by this point I know about as much as most 'real' doctors. more...

I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper. more...

I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity,' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was. more...

Everyday I question myself. I look in the mirror, or read one of my scripts, or I reflect on my acting and I say to myself 'that was good...but was it Zach Braff good?' Lets just say things have been looking pretty Zach Braff so far. more...

Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever. more...

I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me. more...

When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me? more...

If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on. more...

Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true. more...

The only real difference between hookers, stippers, sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch, I'll tell you that much. more...

I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff. more...

I'm not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they're so delicious, what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter. more...

I've always preferred Marvel over DC. I just relate to their characters better. I mean look at Wolverine, at first he was just a bit player in an ensemble cast. Now he's the only reason people read X-Men. Just like me and Scrubs. more...

It's really hard to find parts that challenge me as an actor these days. At this point in my career, I feel like I can just sleepwalk through most of my roles and still do a better job than 90 percent of the actors out there. more...

Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack. more...

It's... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy. more...

People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff. more...

People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do? more...

I don't even like the show that much, I mean, it's about doctors. It's not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I've saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has. more...

People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example. more...

Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time. more...

Sometimes, I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section. more...

Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety? more...

Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence. more...

Most people just aren't grateful for the lives they have, and it really saddens me. For instance, I said 'hello' to a man the other day, and he didn't even recognize me. It just really saddens me. more...

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs. more...

I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day. more...

I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life. more...

I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong. more...

To say I live a cursed life is an understatement. I have to get up every day and work with people who are not as successful as me nor will they ever be as successful as me. Nobody knows the struggles I go through. more...

I think we have to acknowledge that people are different and succeed at different things, first of all. Men are better than women at some professions like firefighting, construction work, and physics. But women are better than men at some professions, too, like elementary teaching, prostitution, and giving birth. Who's to say which is more important? more...

My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious. more...

Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there. more...

I don't like the term 'black people', I find it demeaning to those of us that actually qualify as 'people'. more...

I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me. more...

One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called 'Zach Braff' and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don't want that on my conscience. more...

My job as an actor has inspired generations of children to become doctors. My job as a writer has opened up the minds of millions. My job as a director has produced masterpieces that will be taught in film school for ages. more...

When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker. more...

I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins. more...

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective. more...

Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I'd make a pretty good saint. more...

If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans. more...

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that. more...

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on. more...

I once looked in the mirror at myself and noticed that, without a doubt, I am a sexy man. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get married...it just wouldn't be fair for my spouse to catch me enjoying a look in the mirror more than having sex with her. more...

In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy. more...

Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something... more...

I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker? more...

If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred. more...

It's not that I'm racist or anything, because I'm not, but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway. more...

I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point? more...

Bigger than the Beatles? Well, how many grammys did they win? Exactly, none, yet I have one, and I've never even released a CD. more...

The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the same as hitting your employee or wife, and the issue become pretty clear when you think about it that way. more...

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes? more...

I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it? more...

The Jews are just clumsy bakers. more...

The fact that 'Scrubs' is so popular in Israel is very important to me. I feel like I'm helping to cancel out the thousands of years of oppression the Jewish people have suffered. more...

I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage? more...

Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute. more...

I could see why someone would want to make a website about me, and my quotes. They are all gold. How many people have written, directed AND starred in their own movies. I just don't know why they would want to put words into my mouth, I mean I did write, direct AND star in a critically acclaimed movie. more...

I've never had much sympathy for orphans, I mean, when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuff more...

Some people just don't want to put in the effort. I just show up and say some lines and I'm famous. Anyone living below the poverty line just needs to shape up or be shipped out, you know? more...

Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography. more...

People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday. more...

Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later. more...

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better. more...

Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I'm the one that's being cheated, because the writer's strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too. more...

So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It's like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn't deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years. more...

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter more...

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack. more...

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible. more...

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know? more...

I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I'm here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe? more...

Probably the most memorable even of my life is when I was born. It really made me who I am. If I die, I hope to go out the same way I came in, but I don't think my mother would be into that. more...

I definitely try to play a common man in my roles so people can identify with my characters, but the truth of the matter is that it doesn't really matter what I do or my lines are, I'm still Zach Braff, and people know I'm better than them. more...

I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine. more...

It depresses me when people expect me to be like the characters I play on film. I'm not some whiny loser punk, I'm a man's man. more...

You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them. more...

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics... more...

I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know, I already have an ashtray. more...

Now that 'Scrubs' is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Who ARE you?' more...

People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films. more...

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit. more...

When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys. more...

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog more...

I'm not lazy, I drive everywhere myself, the dog could've learned something from me. more...

People keep asking me whether I'm going to vote for Obama or McCain in the election. But I'm like, why bother? There will never be another leader as good as he was. more...

I never looked at bread the same way again more...

When you win your first Grammy, it's true, you really want to thank all the little people. more...

I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult. more...

You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious. more...

My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff. more...

When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion. more...

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust. more...

I never really understood all the hype, until I got one of my own. more...

It's funny when I read the tabloids and they're reporting on only a fraction of the life I'm leading. more...

It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me? more...

I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold. more...

My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning. more...

I think they're bogus, honestly. How utter garbage like Crash and Million Dollar Baby can win best picture, where true works of art such as Garden State go untouched is beyond me. It just proves how close-minded America really is, and I refuse to take part in it. more...

After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins more...

Now, I'm not going to be misquoted on this like I have numerous times before, so I'll be quite clear. I've never said hitler was my hero, just that if he had focused on more than one race he would have had the right idea. Try to turn that one against me. more...

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in. more...

Well I don't like to think too far ahead because it scares me a little to think of what this world will come to after I'm gone, but I suppose life will have to go on, right? At least everyone will still be able to watch reruns of Scrubs. more...

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped. more...

I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me? more...

When you're the director and the writer, you never have to remember your lines, and there's no one to call you on it. On Garden State I did different lines on every take, just making crap up. And it was great each time. more...

They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me. more...

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while. more...

Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power. more...

Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift. more...

I'm always being told by directors that I add chemistry to scenes, so I mean how difficult could it be? more...

Look on the bright side; that's one bullet that's not going to hit me. more...

Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space. more...

I tried it a few times but didn't see the point. I'm Zach Braff. What the fudge do I need a team for besides holding me back and sucking? If I wanted that, I'd just walk on the set of 'Scrubs'. more...

Over half a century on and they're still complaining about it. Compare it to the fact that Garden State didn't win an Oscar and they seem a little petty if you ask me. I guess that just goes to show what kind of people they really are. more...

It's trust issue more than anything. I mean, whats stopping them from teaming up, dressing up like a really tall person in a trenchcoat, and then BAM. They sneak out with all your furniture more...

I'm a big proponent of 'Don't Ask, Don't tell,' in fact, I enforce it strictly on all of my dates. First, I don't ask them for sex, and then I warn them not to tell anyone after I'm through. more...

I donno, it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine. more...

There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy. more...

At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom. more...

I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life. more...

One time this guy on the street wanted me to give him a medical opinion, because I'm a doctor on TV. I'm also a real doctor. But I'm also Zack Braff, so I kicked him in the groin. more...

The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick? more...

If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam. more...

I mean, nobody's ever thrown a big rock at me or my friends, but we're all pretty tough guys and could probably handle it. more...

I was inspired by World Vision. It's almost like I sponsored (Donald) Faison and gave him an opportunity to do something with his life. What more would he want than to work with me? more...

I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help matters. more...

It's a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them. more...

I think sports are very beneficial in the fight against obesity. I remember playing little league - I was the best person on the pitch by a long shot. It was only last weekend actually, I think I have some photos of it if you're interested. more...

It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment more...

It was really starting to get pathetic, everyday they would come in looking for one thing or another. 'Zach, can you give me some acting tips?' 'Zach, will you let me blow you?' 'Can I have some cash?' That's when I made the call, that's when I decided seven was enough more...

Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter more...

They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I'm above the rules because I put up with that for seven years. more...

I don't ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God's way of rewarding me for Garden State more...

Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake. more...

I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need? more...

A lot of people say colonialism was 'evil' or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don't think it should be considered 'racist' to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa. more...

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more. more...

Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff's secret to Zach Braff's success. more...

When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around? more...

Well, you need to have at least one black friend, otherwise people think you're racist more...

If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'? more...

In April 1975 I was born and the Vietnam War ended. I could not let any American die in war before seeing an episode of Scrubs. more...

Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records? more...

I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent', but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would women have arms? Or feet? Or mouths? more...

If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do. more...

It's kind of ironic that my character is a doctor who acts very gay with his best friend. I don't see how gays could ever be doctors, they spend too much time whining about everything. Just get off your soapbox and go back to designing floral arrangements more...

It's just Gods way of getting babies to heaven faster! more...

Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that more...

I don't want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore. more...

Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late. more...

I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread. more...

I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple. more...

One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas. more...

I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.' more...

I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese. more...

I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie. more...

They don't know I'm staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it? more...

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know? more...

Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him. more...

If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay! more...

Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome. more...

The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me. more...

Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn't say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn't the one who got shot. more...

I can't say I agree with something that takes the focus away from me. more...

If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better. more...

When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie...well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band. more...

I don't think restaurants should refuse to serve minority people. They are quite tasty when prepared correctly. more...

She can't say no if she's unconscious. more...

There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong? more...

I find my movie props in my neighbors houses. more...

I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff. more...

People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they're just trying to clean up our planet. I'm not saying it's right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example. more...

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds. more...

I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE! more...

Yea, he's alright...but he's no Zach Braff. more...

Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day. more...

I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he? more...

People ask me, 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing on earth better than being famous. more...

It's not that George Bush doesn't care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can't swim. more...

I'm really not one to brag, but I think my job is one of the most important things someone can do with their life. I mean, it really gives people a chance to live outside their means through someone else's vision. And I think that's something really great that I can give back to the community. Sure I could be a doctor or a lawyer, but do they really help anyone? Sure you can save someone's life, but can you really change it for the better? I'm not saying their jobs aren't important, just not as important as mine. more...

It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty. more...

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there. more...

One time a reporter asked me what my worst quality was. I looked him in the eyes then punched him in the face. I kind of felt bad about it later, but he didn't need to be rude. more...

People always say The God Father is the 1 movie of all time. But ask yourself, did you see Zach Braff in it....No you didn't. So then by default it goes to Garden State..and if youwatch two episodes of scrubs back to back that counts as the 2. more...

People are always going to find fault with anything you do, any process that you're a part of. The creative process means taking risks, I've taken risks and I've made mistakes, but the bottom line is, could anyone else have done any better ? I have to believe that what I created was worthwhile. more...

I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early. more...

Every single person wants to do it, don't hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart! more...

If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me. more...

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times. more...

I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for ever more...

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know? more...

A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise. more...

That cyclone in Burma? That was just me doing the dance to that annoying ass song... more...

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents. more...

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly. more...

I'm not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad. I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup. more...

One of the things about Scrubs is that it's about great friendships and... as broad and as serious as we get it's always really about friendship. It's about getting through the challenging parts of your life with the help of your friends. more...

It's a really fun hobby to set imagery to music, and finding the right songs for that. Your favorite song in the world might not work at all... for one reason or another. more...

I think the saddest moments in life have humor in them. I have a memory of coming home from a funeral with my family in the back of a limousine and someone cracking a joke and us just hysterically belly laughing. It's how we always dealt with tragedy in our lives and I think it's such a healthy way to deal with sadness. more...

I always wanted to direct movies. That's what I set out to do. When I was a little kid I just dreamed of making movies, and I went to film school. more...

It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me. more...

I mean, some people accuse me of being racist. I'm totally not, I'm just better than everybody else. more...

In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist. more...

Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am. more...

I'm a busy guy; I just get a lot of people that sound like me to go out and visit them. They don't know the difference and, let's face it, they aren't going to be paying to see my movies anytime soon. more...

I'm not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away. more...

I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh more...

I'm 26 years old, and I've spent my whole life waiting for something else to start. Now I realize that this is all there is, and I'm going to try to live my life like that. more...

So, yeah, I mean, there is something universal about that feeling - that 20-something, what the hell am I going to do with my life, I'm lost and my parents are freaking me out, and what's the point? Every generation has a way of making that unique, but there are certain universals of that feeling. more...

It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it. more...

I'm a film geek man. I love toys. I love everything in filmmaking, so for me to just be around this technology is just so cool to watch it being used for the first time, some of the stuff. more...


Zach Braff Quotes Meme Zach Braff Quotes Meme Zach Braff Quotes Meme Very Short Funny Quotes Zach Braff Quotes Meme 1k Season 2 2k Teen Wolf 2x02 zach stiles stilinski derek hale Sterek ... CHEATING - Picture Zach Galifianakis Picture Quotes :: Finest Quotes

Privacy, Terms & DMCA | Contact
Copyright © 2015, Like Success, All rights reserved.