Quotes by Ogden Nash

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To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. more...

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat. more...

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. more...

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. more...

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. more...

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. more...

No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven't done. more...

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. more...

I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. more...

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. more...

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers. more...

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin. more...

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. more...

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. more...

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. more...

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. more...

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is. more...

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. more...

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it. more...

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. more...

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. more...

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. more...

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for. more...

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early? more...

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. more...

Life has a tendency to obfuscate and bewilder, Such as fating us to spend the first part of our lives being embarrassed by our parents and the last part being embarrassed by our children. more...

O money, money, money. I'm not necessarily one of those who think thee holy, but I often stop to wonder how thou canst go out so fast when thou comest in so slowly. more...

Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. more...

One rule which woe betides the banker who fails to heed it/Never lend any money to anybody unless they don't need it. more...

He without benefit of scruples - His fun and money soon quadruples. more...

The highest form of wisdom is to get drunk and go to pieces. The highest form of wisdom is to get drunk and go to pieces. Candy is dandy But liquor is quicker. more...

Tonight's December thirty-first, something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year! more...

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle. more...

So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it, And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it, And the fetters gave him welts, And they named America after somebody else. more...

At another year I would not boggle Except that when I jog I joggle. more...

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental. more...

Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as legislature.... So people who go to bed to sleep Must count French premiers or sheep, And people who ought to arise from bed Yawn and go back to sleep instead. more...

Some one invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumbers, Ringing wrong but similar numbers. more...

Winter is the king of showmen, Turning tree stumps into snowmen And houses into birthday cakes And spreading sugar over lakes. Smooth and clean and frosty white, The world looks good enough to bite. That's the season to be young, Catching snowflakes on your tongue. Snow is snowy when it's snowing, I'm sorry it's slushy when it's going. more...

All that glitters is sold as gold. more...

People expect old men to die, They do not really mourn old men. Old men are different. People look At them with eyes that wonder when ... People watch with unshocked eyes; But the old men know when an old man dies. more...

Nobody agrees with anybody else anyhow, but adults conceal it and infants show it. more...

Indeed, everybody wants to be a wow, But not everybody knows exactly how. more...

The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor. more...

Beneath this slab John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road. more...

A bit of talcum Is always walcum. more...

I test my bath before I sit, And I'm always moved to wonderment That what chills the finger not a bit Is so frigid upon the fundament. more...

I don't care how unkind the things people say about me so long as they don't say them to my face. more...

A lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty up- set if she sees anybody else dressed exactly like her. more...

The burnt child, urged by rankling ire, Can hardly wait to get back at the fire. more...

One would be in less danger From the wiles of the stranger If one's own kin and kith Were more fun to be with. more...

When I ponder my mind I consistently find It is glued On food. more...

Another good thing about gossip is that it is within everybody's reach, And it is much more interesting than any other form of speech. more...

O thrice unhappy home Whose master doesn't know the difference between a watt and an ohm! more...

To love is an active verb. more...

A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus. more...

But children, hark! Your mother would rather, When you arrived, have been your father. more...

The old men know when an old man dies. more...

When a lady's erotic life is vexed God knows what God is coming next. more...

Neath tile or thatch That man is rich Who has a scratch For every itch. more...

One bliss for which There is no match Is when you itch To up and scratch. more...

A cough is something that you yourself cant help, but everybody else does on purpose just to torment you. more...

Then blessings on thee, my afternoon torpor Thou makest a prince of a mental porpor. more...

But all ladies think they weigh too much. more...

How Sunday into Monday melts! more...

Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons, or Celts, Can't seem just to say anything is the thing it is but have to go out of their way to say that it is like something else. more...

If some confectioners were willing To let the shape announce the filling, We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs, Bitten into and returned to the box. more...

If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate. more...

The further through life I drift the more obvious it becomes that I am lacking in thrift. more...

Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, here's a list of today's appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures - take them, George, they're yours! more...

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? more...

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence. more...

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them. more...

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk. more...

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. more...

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. more...

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. more...

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control. more...

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind. more...

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends. more...

Too clever is dumb. more...

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money? more...

Women would rather be right than reasonable. more...

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor. more...

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs. more...

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you. more...

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine. more...

A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books - Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage, And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage. more...

Poets arent very usefulBecause they aren't consumeful or produceful.. more...

Snow is all right while it is snowing; it is like inebriation because it is very pleasing when it is coming, but very unpleasing when it is going. more...

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly. more...

I think in terms of rhyme, and have since I was six years old, more...

If called by a panther, don't anther. more...

I myself am more and more inclined to agree with Omar and Satchel Paige as I grow older: Don't try to rewrite what the moving finger has writ, and don't ever look over your shoulder. more...

The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake. more...

Only the gamefish swims upstream, But the sensible fish swims down. more...

The sky is now indelible ink, The branches reft asunder; But you and I we do not shrink; We love the lovely thunder. more...

We love the kindly wind and hail, The jolly thunderbolt, We watch in glee the fairy trail Of ampere, watt, and volt. more...

Don't Cry Darling, It's Blood All Right more...

The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you? more...

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes! more...

I think progress began to retrogress when Wilbur and Orville started tinkering around in Dayton and at Kitty Hawk, because I believe that two Wrights made a wrong. more...

The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions is by their actions more...

There once was an umpire whose vision Was cause for abuse and derision He remarked in surprise, 'Why pick on my eyes? It's my heart that dictates my decision.' more...

Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord's anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can't get your fingers on him. more...

Abracadabra, thus we learn The more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you're given, The less you lead, the more you're driven, The more destroyed, the more they feed, The more you pay, the more they need, The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake. more...

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. more...

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. more...

You can take it as understood, That your luck changes only if it's good. more...

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. more...

Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor. more...

Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. more...

Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. more...

Ten years ago she split the air To seize what she could spy Tonight she bumps against a chair, Betrayed by milky eye. She seems to pant, Time up, time up! My little dog must die, And lie in dust with Hector's pup; I So, presently, must I. more...

Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year. more...

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat. more...

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. more...

I'd rather be a great bad poet than a good bad poet. more...

And one of his partners asked Has he vertigo? and the other glanced out and down and said Oh no, only about ten feet more. more...

My garden will never make me famous, I'm a horticultural ignoramus. more...

Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of relaxation. more...

Man is a victim of dope in the incurable form of hope. more...

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. more...

God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why. more...

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. more...

The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon. Let others say his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. more...

Basketball, a game which won't be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo. more...

Good wine needs no bush, and perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot. more...

They take the paper and they read the headlines. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all by getting up a costume charity ball. more...

Remorse is violent dyspepsia of the mind. more...

There was a young man of Herne Bay who was making some fireworks one day: but he dropped his cigar in the gunpowder jar. There was a young man of Herne Bay. more...

Then here's to the heartening wassail, Wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around. more...

I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew. more...

Here's a toast to the roast that good fellowship lends, with the sparkle of beer and wine; May its sentiment always be deeper, my friends, than the foam at the top of the stein. Then here's to the heartening wassail, wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around. more...

There is one fault that I must find With the twentieth century. And I'll put it in a couple of words; Too adventury. What I'd like would be some nice dull monotony If anyone's gotony. more...

Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as a legislature, Sleep is as forward as hives or goiters, And where it is least desired, it loiters. more...

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer more...

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. more...

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave, when they think that their children are naive. more...

Husbands are things that wives have to get used to putting up with. And with whom they breakfast with and sup with. They interfere with the discipline of nurseries, And forget anniversaries, And when they have been particularly remiss, They think they can cure everything with a great big kiss. more...

Here lies my past, Goodbye I have kissed it; Thank you kids, I wouldn't have missed it. more...

No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed. more...

I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. more...

No, you never get any fun Out of the things you haven't done. more...

So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat Over everything debatable and combatable Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life Particularly if he has income and she is pattable. more...

The reason for much matrimony is patrimony. more...

All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. more...

I'm like a backward berry, Unripened on the vine, For all my friends are fifty, And I'm only forty-nine. more...

Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny- Have you ever tried to buy them without money? more...

There are two kinds of people who blow through life like a breeze, And one kind is gossipers, and the other kind is gossipees. more...

I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it. more...

Stuyvesant chats with Kelly and Katz, The professor warms to the broker, And life is good in the brotherhood Of an air-conditioned smoker. more...

A dog's best friend is his illiteracy. more...

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. more...

Miranda in Miranda's sight is old, gray and dirty; Twenty-nine she was last night; This morning she is thirty. more...

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. more...

How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick? more...

Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb. more...

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born. more...

Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force. more...

Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing. more...

Time is like the ocean, always there, always different. more...

Maybe I couldn't be dafter, But I keep wondering if this time we settle our differences before a war instead of after. more...

Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways. more...

To Tom Carlson or his dog-depending on whose taste it best suits. more...

An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks. more...

Too much Chablis can make you whablis. more...

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance. more...

Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. more...

The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath. more...

A dressing is not a compote A dressing is not a custard It consists of pepper and salt, Vinegar, oil and mustard. more...

And you stagger down to break your fast. Greasy bacon and lacquered eggs And coffee composed of frigid dregs. more...

The codfish is a staple food For which I'm seldom in the mood. This fish is such an utter loss That people eat it with egg sauce. more...

He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more more...

Bankers are just like everybody else, except richer. more...

So I think there is one rule every host and hostess ought to keep with the comb and nail file and bicarbonate and aromatic spirits on a handy shelf, Which is don't spoil the denouement by telling the guests everything is terrible, but let them have the thrill of finding it out for themselves. more...

Shake and shake The catsup bottle. None will come, And then a lot'll. more...

The doctor gets you when you're born, The preacher, when you marry, And the lawyer lurks with costly clerks If too much on you carry. Professional men, they have no cares; Whatever happens, they get theirs. more...

The noblest lord is ushered in By the practicing physician, And the humblest lout is ushered out By a certified mortician. And in between, they find their foyers Alive with summonses from lawyers. more...

When you're wrong admit it, when you're right, shut up. more...

This is my dream, It is my own dream, I dreamt it. I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it. more...

The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk. more...

I have an idea that the phrase weaker sex was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. more...

Smallpox is natural; vaccine ain't. more...

The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! more...

When there are monsters there are miracles. more...

Candy Is Dandy But liquor Is quicker. more...

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money? more...

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. more...

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is. more...

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else... more...

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave When they think that their children are naive. more...

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. more...

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open. more...

The only people who should really sin Are the people who can sin with a grin. more...

Senescence begins And middle age ends, The day your descendants, Outnumber your friends. more...

The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions Is by their actions. more...

I have a bone to pick with Fate Come here and tell me, girlie, Do you think my mind is maturing late, Or simply rotting early? more...

Home is heaven and orgies are vile But you need an orgy, once in a while. more...

Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways. more...

My verse represents a handle I can grasp in order not to yield to the centrifugal forces which are trying to throw me off of the world. more...

Bankers are just like everyone else only richer. more...

They take the paper and they read the headlines.. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all By getting up a costume charity ball. more...

Here is a pen and here is a pencil, Here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, Here is a list of today's appointments, And all the flies in all the ointments, The daily woes that a man endures - Take them, George, they're yours! more...

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is enjoy earning it. more...

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility? more...

You scour the Bowery, ransack the Bronx, Through funeral parlors and honky-tonks. From river to river you comb the town For a place to lay your family down. more...

I prefer to forget both pairs of glasses and pass my declining years saluting strange women and grandfather clocks. more...

The camel has a single hump; The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around. I'm never sure. Are you? more...

The song of canaries Never varies, And when they're moulting They're pretty revolting. more...

Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, Is those things arms, or is they legs? I marvel at thee, Octopus; If I were thou, I'd call me Us. more...

Any kiddies in school can love like a fool, But hating, my boy, is an art. more...

If some confectioners were willing To let the shape announce the filling, We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs, Bitten into and returned to the box. more...

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable. more...

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. more...

He without benefit of scruples His fun and money soon quadruples. more...

O misery, misery, mumble and moan! Someone invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumbers, Ringing wrong but similar numbers. more...

Progress may have been all right once, but it has gone on too long. more...

You can take it as understood that your luck changes only if it's good. more...

Time is so old and love so brief, love is pure gold and time a thief. We're late, darling, we're late, The curtain descends, everything ends, too soon, too soon. more...

Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world. more...

No man is greater than his respect for sleep. more...

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. more...

In the world of mules there are no rules. more...

There is something about a martini, Ere the dining and dancing begin, And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth- I think that perhaps it's the gin. more...

How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge! more...

Man is a victim of dope In the incurable form of hope. more...

Just when you think that at least the outlook is so black that it can grow no blacker, it worsens, And that is why I do not like the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. more...

I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it. more...

It is common knowledge to every schoolboy and even every Bachelor of Arts, That all sin is divided into two parts. One kind of sin is called a sin of commission, and that is very important And it is what you are doing when you are doing something you ortant... more...

It is the sin of omission, the second kind of sin, That lays eggs under your skin. more...

The moral is that it is probably better not to sin at all, but if some kind of sin you must be pursuing, Well, remember to do it by doing rather than by not doing. more...

Good wine needs no bush, And perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot. more...

Behold the hippopotamus! We laugh at how he looks to us, And yet in moments dank and grim, I wonder how we look to him. more...

Any hound a porcupine nudges Can't be blamed for harboring grudges. I know one hound that laughed all winter At a porcupine that sat on a splinter. more...

Hark, hark! the lark On windswept bark Freezes against a sky of lead! Now see him stop, Take one small hop, And suddenly keel over dead! more...

Once in a night as black as pitch Isabel met a wicked old witch. the witch's face was cross and wrinkled, The witch's gums with teeth were sprinkled. Ho, ho, Isabel! the old witch crowed, I'll turn you into an ugly toad! more...

The giant was hairy, the giant was horrid, He had one eye in the middle of his forehead. more...

Senator Smoot (Republican, Ut.) Is planning a ban on smut. Oh rooti-ti-toot for Smoot of Ut. And his reverend occiput. Smite, Smoot, smite for Ut., Grit your molars and do your dut., Gird up your l__ns, Smite h_p and th_gh, We'll all be Kansas By and by. more...

When smut's to be smitten Smoot will smite For G-d, for country, And Fahrenheit. more...

Senator Smoot is an institute Not to be bribed with pelf; He guards our homes from erotic tomes By reading them all himself. more...

Smite, Smoot, Be rugged and rough, Smut if smitten Is front-page stuff. more...

How easy for those who do not bulge To not overindulge! more...

Whether elected or appointed He considers himself the Lord's annointed, And indeed the ointment lingers on him So thick you can't get your fingers on him. more...

Camped on a tropic riverside, One day he missed his loving bride. She had, the guide informed him later, Been eaten by an alligator. Professor Twist could not but smile. You mean, he said, a crocodile. more...

There is one thing that ought to be taught in all the colleges, Which is that people ought to be taught not to go around always making apologies. more...

So I think there is one rule every host and hostess ought to keep with the comb and nail file and bicarbonate and aromatic spirits on a handy shelf, Which is don't spoil the denouement by telling the guests everything is terrible, but let them have the thrill of finding it out for themselves. more...

There are two kinds of people who blow through life like a breeze, And one kind is gossipers, and the other kind is gossipees, And they certainly annoy each other, But they certainly enjoy each other, Yes, they pretend to flout each other, But they couldn't do without each other... more...

And I also say Pooh for sweetness and light, And if you want to get the most out of life, why the thing to do is to be a gossiper by day and gossipee by night. more...

God in his wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why. more...

Some primal termite knocked on wood And tasted it, and found it good! And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. more...

The further through life I drift The more obvious it becomes that I am lacking in thrift. more...

When people reject a truth or an untruth it is not because it is a truth or an untruth that they reject it. No, if it isn't in accord with their beliefs in the first place they simply say, Nothing doing, and refuse to inspect it. more...

And I have no desire to get ugly, But I cannot help mentioning that the door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly. more...

Naturally I am not pointing a finger at me, But I must admit that I find Mr. Ickes or any other speaker far more convincing when I agree with him than when I disagree. more...

It is an indication that my mental buttery is butterless and my mental larder lardless, And it consists not of Stop me if you've heard this one, but of I know you've heard this one because I told it to you myself, but I'm going to tell it to you again regardless... more...

Purity Is obscurity. more...

The turtle trapped 'twixt plated decks Doth practically conceal its sex I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. more...

I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Indeed, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. more...

When called by a panther, Don't anther. more...

People expect old men to die, They do not really mourn old men. Old men are different. People look At them with eyes that wonder when... People watch with unshocked eyes; But the old men know when an old man dies. more...

Passivity can be a provoking modus operandi; Consider the Empire and Gandhi. more...

It is my duty, gentlemen, to inform you that women are dictators all, and I recommend to you this moral: In real life it takes only one to make a quarrel. more...

Miranda in Miranda's sight Is old and gray and dirty; Twenty-nine she was last night; This morning she is thirty. more...

Silly girl, silver girl, Draw the mirror toward you; Time who makes the years to whirl Adorned as he adored you. more...

Time is timelessness for you; Calendars for the human; What's a year, or thirty, to Loveliness made woman? more...

Oh, Night will not see thirty again, Yet soft her wing, Miranda; Pick up your glass and tell me, then - How old is Spring, Miranda? more...

Belinda lived in a little white house, With a little black kitten and a little gray mouse, And a little yellow dog and a little red wagon, And a realio, trulio, little pet dragon. more...

Now the name of the little black kitten was Ink, And the little gray mouse, she called him Blink, And the little yellow dog was sharp as Mustard, But the dragon was a coward, and she called him Custard. more...

Belinda was as brave as a barrel full of bears, And Ink and Blink chased lions down the stairs, Mustard was as brave as a tiger in a rage, But Custard cried for a nice safe cage. more...

The pirate gaped at Belinda's dragon, And gulped some grog from his pocket flagon, He fired two bullets, but they didn't hit, And Custard gobbled him, every bit. more...

How pleasant to sit on the beach, On the beach, on the sand, in the sun, With ocean galore within reach, And nothing at all to be done! more...

To lave in the wave, Majestic and chilly, Tomorrow I crave; But today it is silly. It is pleasant to look at the ocean; Tomorrow, perhaps, I shall swim in it. more...

Leave the earth to the strong and athletic, And the sea to adventure upon. But the sun and the sand No contractor can copy; We lie in the land Of the lotus and poppy; We vegetate, calm and aesthetic, On the beach, on the sand, in the sun. more...

May I join you in the doghouse, Rover? I wish to retire till the party's over. more...

I've earned repose to heal the ravages Of these angelic-looking savages. Oh, progeny playing by itself Is a lonely little elf, But progeny in roistering batches Would drive St. francis from here to Natchez. more...

The weather is so very mild That some would call it warm. Good gracious, aren't we lucky, child? Here comes a thunderstorm. more...

The sky is now indelible ink, The branches reft asunder; But you and I we do not shrink; We love the lovely thunder. more...

The garden is a raging sea, The hurricane is snarling; Oh, happy you and happy me! Isn't the lightning darling? more...

Fear not the thunder, little one. It's weather, simply weather; It's friendly giants full of fun Clapping their hands together. more...

I hope of lightning our supply Will never be exhausted; You know its lanterns in the sky For angels who are losted. more...

We love the kindly wind and hail, The jolly thunderbolt, We watch in glee the fairy trail Of ampere, watt, and volt. more...

Oh, than to enjoy a storm like this There's nothing I would rather, Don't dive between the blankets, Miss! Or else leave room for Father. more...

Whales have calves, Cats have kittens Bears have Cubs, Bats have bittens, Swans have cygnets, Seals have puppies, But guppies just have little guppies. more...

Being a father Is quite a bother, But I like it, rather. more...

Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy, You've had about seven hours' sleep since Friday, No wonder you feel that lost sensation; You're sunk from a riot of relaxation. more...

Indoors or out, no one relaxes In March, that month of wind and taxes, The wind will presently disappear, The taxes last us all the year. more...

Life has a tendency to obfuscate and bewilder, Such as fating us to spend the first part of our lives being embarrassed by our parents and the last part being embarrassed by our childer. more...

O Adolescence, O Adolescence I wince before thine incandescence... When anxious elders swarm about Crying Where are you going?, thou answerest Out,... Strewn! All is lost and nothing found Lord, how thou leavest things around!... more...

Some people, and it doesn't matter whether they are paupers or millionaires, Think that anything they have is the best in the world just because it is theirs. more...

Other people, and it doesn't matter if they are Scandinavians or Celts, Think that anything is better than theirs just because it belongs to somebody else. more...

I think that comparisons are truly odious, I do not approve of this constant proud or envious to-do; And furthermore, dear friends, I think that you and yours are delightful and I also think that me and mine are delightful too. more...

Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long. more...

Some hate broccoli, some hate bacon I hate having my picture taken. How can your family claim to love you And then demand a picture of you? more...

Middle age ends and senescence begins, the day your descendant's outnumber your friends. more...

Winter is the king of showmen, Turning tree stumps into snowmen And houses into birthday cakes And spreading sugar over lakes. Smooth and clean and frosty white, The world looks good enough to bite. That's the season to be young, Catching snowflakes on your tongue. Snow is snowy when it's snowing, I'm sorry it's slushy when it's going. more...

Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches. more...

Humor is hope's companion in arms. It is not brash, it is not cheap, it is not heartless. Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit. more...

There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction. more...

I was born a jackdaw; why should I try to be an owl? more...

One thing about the past. It's likely to last. more...

The oboe's a horn made of wood. I'd play you a tune if I could, But the reeds are a pain, And the fingering's insane. It's the ill wind that no one blows good. more...

The truth I do not stretch or shove When I state the dog is full of love. I've also proved, by actual test, A wet dog is the lovingest. more...

To maintain your marriage brimming, with really like in the wedding cup, anytime you are incorrect, admit it each time you're proper, shut up. more...

The bear said, Isabel, glad to meet you, How do, Isabel, now I'll eat you! Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry. Isabel didn't scream or scurry. more...

She took those pills from the pill concocter, And Isabel calmly cured the doctor. more...

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. more...

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December. more...

Nothing there but basketball, a game which won't be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo. more...

Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long... more...

Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. more...

Poets aren't very useful Because they aren't consumeful or very produceful. more...

The turtle lives twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. more...

Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants; Yours are the limbs, my sweeting. You look divine as you advance- Have you seen yourself retreating? more...

Bankers Are Just Like Anybody Else, Except Richer. more...

I'm a Stranger Here Myself. more...

There was a young belle of old Natchez Whose garments were always in patchez. When comment arose On the state of her clothes, She drawled, When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez! more...

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. more...

The only compliment he ever paid her was You sweat less than any fat girl I know. more...

The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor. more...

Nobody agrees with anybody else anyhow, but adults conceal it and infants show it. more...

Beneath this slab John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road. more...

I test my bath before I sit, And I'm always moved to wonderment That what chills the finger not a bit Is so frigid upon the fundament. more...

I don't care how unkind the things people say about me so long as they don't say them to my face. more...

A lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty up- set if she sees anybody else dressed exactly like her. more...

The burnt child, urged by rankling ire, Can hardly wait to get back at the fire. more...

One would be in less danger From the wiles of the stranger If one's own kin and kith Were more fun to be with. more...

Another good thing about gossip is that it is within everybody's reach, And it is much more interesting than any other form of speech. more...

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of De- cember. more...

O thrice unhappy home Whose master doesn't know the difference between a watt and an ohm! more...

A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus. more...

Senescence begins And middle age ends The day your descendents Out-number your friends. more...

One bliss for which There is no match Is when you itch To up and scratch. more...

When a lady's erotic life is vexed God knows what God is coming next. more...

A cough is something that you yourself can't help, but everybody else does on purpose just to torment you. more...

Then blessings on thee, my afternoon torpor/Thou makest a prince of a mental porpor. more...

Why did the Lord give use so much quickness unless it was to avoid responsibility? more...

One thing that literature would be greatly the better for Would be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and>metaphor. more...

It is common knowledge to every schoolboy and even every Bachelor of Arts, That all sin is divided into two parts. One kind of sin is called a sin of commission, and that is very important more...

The moral is that it is probably better not to sin at all, but if some kind of sin you must be pursuing, Well, remember to do it by doing rather than by not doing. more...

It is the sin of omission, the second kind of sin, That lays eggs under your skin. more...

It is my duty, gentlemen, to inform you that women are dictators all, and I recommend to you this moral: In real life it takes only one to make a quarrel. more...

But that wasn't fancy enough for Lord Byron, oh dear me no, he had to invent a lot of figures of speech and then interpolate them, With the result that whenever you mention Old Testament soldiers to people they say Oh yes, they're the ones that a lot of wolves dressed up in gold and purple ate them. more...

Celery, raw, Develops the jaw more...

Passivity can be a provoking modus operandi; Consider the Empire and Gandhi. more...

You are much happier when you are happy than when you ain't. more...

A lady is known by the product she endorses. more...

In real life, it takes only one to make a quarrel. more...

The song of canaries Never varies, And when they're moulting They're pretty revolting. more...

Middle-aged life is merry, and I love to lead it. more...

Winter is the king of showmen, Turning tree stumps into snowmen And houses into birthday cakes And spreading sugar over lakes. Smooth and clean and frosty white, The world looks good enough to bite. That's the season to be young, Catching snowflakes on your tongue. Snow is snowy when it's snowing, I'm sorry it's slushy when it's going. more...

Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit... So here we are several billion of us, crowded into our global concentration camp for the duration. How are we to survive? Solemnity is not the answer, any more than witless and irresponsible frivolity is. I think our best chance lies in humor, which in this case means a wry acceptance of our predicament. We don't have to like it but we can at least recognize its ridiculous aspects, one of which is ourselves. more...

I believe that people believe what they believe they believe. more...

Some people's money is merited and other people's is inherited. more...

Linguistics becomes an ever eerier area, like I feel like I'm in Oz, Just trying to tell it like it was. more...


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